Courageous self-love is my mantra. When I am compassionate and loving with myself I create the inner peace I desperately crave as a busy mother of four. Each one of my clients tell me that learning to cherish themselves and put themselves at the top of their “to do” list has transformed their lives. So here I am, a model of self-care for other women, personally and professionally, and when it comes to the persistent topic of weight and body image I fall into the all too familiar pit of self-loathing.
I have four children and with the first three, after 18 months of hard work, I’d put on those pre-pregnancy jeans. They’d finally slide on, easily buttoning over my once protruding belly. I had that feeling of returning to self. After months of handing my body and soul over to creating and nurturing a new human life (willingly and joyfully), I was back!
With my fourth child, who is now three, the story is different. I’m still holding on to that extra five pounds. I could use the excuse of being over 40, or that I don’t have the time I once did to workout, both true statements, but what it REALLY feels like is that my inner-child, who has never had much of a chance to shine, is having a temper tantrum and wants me to love myself enough to let go and enjoy my life. I know exactly what I need to do if I want to loose 5 pounds, yet every time I start some weight reducing regime I feel a revolt from within.
My struggle is how to make peace between the roaring internal voices. Is there the possibility of accepting, and even loving, my stretch marks, loose skin, sagging breasts, as blessed evidence of the amazing children whom passed through me, transforming me body and soul? These changes in my body are evidence of the power of the feminine, the awe-inspiring ability to bring fourth life. Society likes us feel weak at our inability to maintain a certain size or weight, but my body’s changes are rooted in my power, not weakness. Instead of seeing my body as betraying me, what is the possibility in celebrating how it has served me in my purpose as mother?
In the shower the other day I had an epiphany. I am struggling so hard to get back to a woman who no longer exists. For the first time I’m living an authentic, inspired life, why am I clinging to an outdated sense of self? Souls change and bodies do too. I had resisted buying new clothes, kept boxes of pre-pregnancy clothes, subtly punishing myself. I decided it was time to let go of this outdated persona and embrace who I’ve become.
- I went shopping. The spring colors are fabulous! I let go of my judgments around size and bought things that made me feel good. Bright yellow shorts, a rocking maxi dress, even a couple of swimsuits! No more “this will be perfect if I loose a couple of pounds.” If it doesn’t fit NOW it’s not coming in the closet.
- I got rid of all those pre-pregnancy clothes. They’re out of style now any way.
- I get up and exercise at 6 am. I’ve found a boot camp class I like. It’s hard getting there, but it’s worse if I don’t go.
- I am careful with what I eat, but not militant.
I can’t say that I’ve been successful at really loving my body, but I do know that awareness is the first step to change and I am building that. I recently attended Mamacon, a conference for and about mothers. This was one of my first times showing up as a coach for mother’s ready for reinvention. I took the time to put on clothes I loved, did my hair and make-up. I felt good. The evening went well. I met up with friends later, and when I walked in they commented on the shining energy I brought to the room. I hadn’t thought about being “fat” once that night. Maybe I’d rather be the woman lighting up the room than the thinnest woman there?
